Prescription of Hope

Long overdue: Surgery Results

2011-11-01T08:18:00.000-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been crazy. Seriously. Very crazy. I was in the hospital two weeks ago because I had another one! It was not fun. I forget how absolutely terrible hospitals are.

And last Monday, I had my laparoscopic surgery. The doctor thinks that he may have found what is wrong.

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When I first saw the pelvic pain specialist that performed my procedure last week, we discussed several possibilities that could be causing my severe pain and those horrible spells that I have. He prepared me for what he expected to find in my abdomen and pelvis during the laproscopic procedure. The doctor believes that I have something called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. Simply put, Pelvic Congestion is like having varicose veins in your pelvis. Its cause is not known and its treatment is difficult. The doctor marked my abdomen with two big "X's" before surgery, the two points where my pain is the worst during an episode. He said that when he looked in my abdomen, two large, dilated veins connecting to my uterus were directly under the two "X's" he had marked. If those veins weren't directly under those marks, I may not have been as convinced but it was difficult to argue with such a pinpointed find.

I have a DVD and photos from surgery. The photo that he showed me of the dilated veins was amazing. On the left side (where the pain is) the two veins were so large, clearly visible and purple in color versus the right side (where there is no pain), where no veins were visible and all you could see was pink, healthy tissue.

I really didn't want to include a photo because I felt that may be too much information. So, I sort of made a crude example to give you a better idea of what I am talking about.

The good news was that after my previous surgeries from the car accident in 1994, I had very little scar tissue on my left side. My right side was another story. He said that my right side was quite scarred and the right side of my large intestine was covered with scar tissue and slightly connected to my abdominal cavity. He took no action (something we had previously discussed) because he didn't want to cause any problems that I wasn't already having. Which was fine with me. He said that I was at risk for a future bowel obstruction because of the scar tissue and I would have to watch for warning signs but it really isn't something that I have to worry about.

He also found a small amount of endometriosis that he removed. He said that it only takes a teeny tiny amount of endometriosis to cause pain, so hopefully removing it will help. And he also found a small polyp in my uterus that was removed. It may have also contributed to some of my pain.

So, there were definitely some problems that only surgery could address. I am glad that I was able to have these things looked at and addressed. I was also able to openly and comfortably talk about pain management with my doctor; something that can be very uncomfortable to do. I have found that doctors are not willing to discuss aggressive pain management openly. I understand their caution but sometimes, aggressive treatment is warranted. I appreciated his understanding and willingness to work with me and LISTEN to me.

I cannot begin to tell you how compassionate this wonderful doctor is.

I have some more things that I want to share about last week and the last few days but I don't want to bore you anymore today!

Thank you so much for your kindness, love, prayers and support.

Never Giving Up

2011-09-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

I stared this post on Sunday evening and it started like this...

"I think it is okay to call last week a rough week. Unfortunately, no good news this week.Well, I take that back. There is always a little good news. Sometimes, I just have to dig deep to find it."

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Well, I am glad that I didn't have the energy to finish because yesterday (Monday) was a GREAT day! My GI doctor has yet to come to the bottom of my problems, despite is thorough evaluations and tests.

I went to the ER twice over the weekend with those same horrible spells! (Are y'all tired of seeing that word yet?!) My visit Sunday was terrible. It was my 7th visit since July and it was suggested that my pain was due to a Psychiatric problem. My Mom and I were devastated. When you have something that people don't understand and you know that it is in fact, VERY real and VERY painful...to be told that it is in "your head" is so painful to the spirit. It cracks it a little bit and it takes a while for that feeling to heal.

I received a call yesterday from the office of a respected Pelvic Pain Specialist that they had a last minute cancellation and they needed me there in an hour. Now, keep in mind that:

1. I live 40 minutes from his office and 2. I was still in my PJ's! 3. I had to get there because my original appointment wasn't until January.

Somehow, someway we got there in time!

You guys, this doctor was amazing. Everything you could ask for in a doctor, this man was. He was kind, understanding, compassionate, honest and most importantly he validated my frustration and how painful these spells are.

After spending over an hour with him, we decided to precede with a laparoscopic procedure. He wants to get inside my abdomen and try and find what is causing my problem-whether it be scar tissue from my previous surgeries after the car accident or something like endometriosis. Normally, the procedure would be done through or around the naval but because my incision from my 3 previous surgeries is right next to my naval, a two inch incision will be made under my left rib cage. I will be in the hospital overnight for pain management and evaluation.

He did warn me that with so many previous surgeries that this was a risky procedure for me. He said that there was a much higher risk of injury to my intestines (again from previous surgeries and the possibility that large amounts of scar tissue will be present). He also told me that there was a 20% to 50% chance that there would be too much scar tissue present and an organ would be damaged and they would have to call in a general surgeon to open my old scar and repair any damage. That does scare me a little but I honestly don't think that will happen. I feel that I am in very good hands.

The doctor told me that these issues were most certainly not in my head and he honestly didn't know what was wrong but he felt there were big pieces of a puzzle missing and we could get some answers through this procedure. And I completely agree with him.

He told me the procedure could be as early as next week or as far away as next month. So, I don't have a date but I will be sure to update when I know a definite day.

I want to thank you all again so very much, from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers and love. I know that during this time, the Lord will hear prayers on my behalf, and I thank you.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for believing me and encouraging me. Thank you for loving me.

Good News

2011-09-08T15:16:00.000-05:00

"What is this?", you ask.

Well this would be the

University of Alabama...where I will be returning in the Spring!!

Woohoo!!

That is right, friends! I am registering for classes!
I won't be going to campus but I changed my minor and I will be able to take classes for my new minor online. I am really, really excited. This is a HUGE step. Maybe one day soon, I will be able to actually return to campus.

I had to reapply for admission to the school because I have been out too long. I only have a month to get everything in order because I have to register in October.
I am hoping that everything will go quickly and smoothly. I am already a little anxious.

I just wanted to share my good news with everyone!

Good News & Bad News...

2011-08-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

I am using the words of my doctor.

Okay, I had my *lovely* (please not sarcasm!) colonoscopy last Wednesday. The prep on Tuesday was not nearly as terrible as I had feared; thank goodness! I had imagined that it was going to be awful! I was feeling a little weak as the day went on because I couldn't maintain my fluid balance and my blood pressure dropped a little bit but I didn't have a spell.

My appointment was at 6am on Wednesday. I will schedule all my future tests that early if I can. It was so nice because I was the first patient-so I was in and out; there wasn't much waiting. So nice.

My colonoscopy was great. No abnormalities whatsoever. Which is great for the obvious reason, no one wants something wrong but bad because we still don't know what is making me have those horrible spells!

Obvious things are all coming back as normal. As crazy as this sounds I just want them to come in the room as say, "We have smoking gun!" And show me abnormal blood tests or point to a scan and say, "Ah, here it is!"

I have faith that God heard our prayer that first appointment with the GI doctor and He will eventually lead me through this valley. But my goodness, I am not patient!

a little of this and that

2011-08-14T14:45:00.000-05:00

Oh, where to begin...well I have been back to the ER but I must tell you that I am glad I went. It was just a "God thing". The ER doctor was so nice. I was doubled over in pain and crying and he patted me on the back and said that he had read over my records and had seen that I had just been hospitalized and had a lot of tests done but that they had all come back normal. He said, obviously we -the doctors-are missing something here.

Then he looked at me and said, "Would you like me to keep searching for you?" I just started sobbing even harder. It was so kind. I felt like someone wanted to fight with me. He didn't find anything in the ER that night but he did give me the name of Pelvic Pain specialist that treats, "difficult cases".

I really feel God had this planned. I am praying that this new specialist will see something that others have yet too see. I don't have an appointment with him until January but his office said there are cancellations all the time and I probably wouldn't have to wait that long. However, I am not in a rush to see him right away because I want the GI doctor to be able to complete all of his tests.

Speaking of the GI doctor, I go this Wednesday for a colonoscopy. I don't dread the actually procedure...just the day before while I prepare! Ick! I am a little nervous that all of the medicines that I will take to cleanse my intestines may provoke a spell. So, I am a little nervous about that.

I have been struggling a little emotionally. Just the wear and tear of dealing with the unknown and also the fact that once again, it is time for school to begin and I have been unable to enroll. That always is a difficult thing for me. I want to return to school so badly. But I am encouraged daily by the lovely messages and prayers that are sent my way from friends and strangers alike. It is so touching to know that so many are loving me through prayer. Can there be a better way to show love for someone? I think not.

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In other news, I have been Gluten Free (GF) for six weeks. I have know about Gluten Fee living for about ten years because we have a family friend that has Celiac Disease. Mom and her friends have little luncheons and small parties for our group of family friends, so my Mom has cooked a little gluten free food for the last several years. So, it was not as hard to make the change to GF since I was a little familiar with it. There are actually a lot of positive things about being GF! One is that I get to make a couple of trips to Whole Food! Love that place!! We go a couple of times a month. I just love going in there. I also get home made, fresh baked bread each week. And lastly but maybe most importantly, I can feel a little proactive in my battle against feeling so crummy!

Another thing that I am doing -nutrition wise- for treating my POTS, Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue is that I am avoiding aspartame like the plague. That hasn't been too difficult except for the fact that I LOVE Fresca! Ah! That is just heavenly fizz in a can! And it made with aspartame, so no more for me. I am however getting a lot more water these days! So that is good.

I am still not able to go a lot of places. Mom and I did make small errand run last week. (The day that I went to the ER actually.) I am not up and about in the house like I would like to be. I still eat some meals in bed. But I am able to be online and I have been on Polyvore a lot lately! That is always a step in the right direction.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement and love. I can't say it enough. Thank you. Thank you.

another week. another spell.

2011-08-01T01:18:00.000-05:00

The fear that I have had for 13 years, that these spells would get worse and really take me for a turn has come true. And it is as awful as I imagined in my darkest moments.

Since last July, I have had 15 of them. That is more that I have had in the last 13 years combined. It is horrifying and they are slowly taking over my thoughts, my decisions and my happy moments.

In a cruel twist of fate, a sign that a spell is imminent is that I have a surge of energy that is masked as a good day. Now even my good days are bittersweet because I am terrified of what the will bring.

Is this the night? Is another one going to happen?

It has become a nasty, viscous cycle that is far beyond my control.

I had to go back to the hospital this week. Not a pleasant trip.

This was the fourth attack of the month.

And can I just say how completely unpleasant ER doctors are. My sister is in the medical profession and I understand that they have so many patients that need them at the same time that I do but still-treat me with respect. I am not a moron. I am at their mercy and deserve the same courtesy that they would give to a stranger outside of the hospital.

Just sayin'!

The GI doctor is no closer to the solving this puzzle. I have -because of my many trips to the ER this month- met every doctor in the practice! ha! They all seem very nice and Christ centered.

I just had a small bowel series done on Friday. I had to drink yucky barium (2 cups..ick!!) and they took X-Rays as it made its ways to my small bowel. I won't get the official results until this week but the kind X-Ray told me things looked good.

I do have a colonoscopy scheduled for the 17th. I am NOT looking forward to that. Well, I am not looking forward to the preparation anyway!

The doctor really thinks there may be some scar tissue from previous abdominal surgeries that could be causing some of the my stomach problems. We shall see.

And now for an honest and sad confession...

I try to be honest on my blog. I try to be transparent and share all that encompasses being sick-whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. And sometimes my truth is not very pretty.

I have found that bitter seed growing at Olympic speed. I find it more and more difficult to go to God as my loving Father. I feel anger towards Him. I feel coldness and resentment. I want Him to make this all go away this instant! I think about Job and how he lost everything and still thanked God-not only thanked God but fell to His knees in utter humbly praise and prayer.

I think of Job and wonder how he was able to do that.

I try at the end of each to thank God for at least one thing from my day but these last few weeks our conversations do not go beyond that.

I am embarrassed to admit that horrible fact but it is true.

I am trying to find my way back to Him and I hope that is an important first step. I do know that He is waiting for me.

Much love-

A Hospital Recap

2011-07-25T14:21:00.000-05:00

I was so happy to come home last week! Little Holly was pretty excited to see me too! She has been so clingy since I got home. She doesn't let me out of her sight. It is so sweet.

My family sent me these beautiful flowers while I was in the hospital. Everyone that came in my room commented on how beautiful they were. I was glad that they were still so beautiful when I brought them home. Today is the first day that they have started to wilt.

Okay, so I guess this all began last Saturday night. We decided after I went to see the GI doctor that anytime my stomach starts to hurt, we were going to pack up and head to the ER. The doctor on Saturday night was very nice and gave me Zofran for nausea and something for pain. It did help and the pain seemed to be better when we left but I think the pain medicine just delayed the inevitable because the pain returned Sunday evening and we found ourselves headed back to the ER. I had another doctor and he too was equally as nice and gave me something for pain and nausea. The pain didn't get better. It was terrible. Mom said that I was not quite myself and I fainting 7 or 8 times while I was laying down in the ER.
After a couple of hours, the doctor came in and told us that my white count was up to 18,000. A normal white count is about 10,000. He told us that he was concerned because that was a very high WBC, saying that people with pneumonia had a WBC of 15,000 and since I had been to the ER 3 times this month, severe pain and such a high WBC, I needed to be admitted. I have to admit I was a little relieved because I was still so sick.

I was in terrible pain until about 9:30 am on Monday when I got terribly sick. After that my pain seemed to ease a little bit.

The doctor that was in charge of my case at the hospital was very thorough. I had tests run all week. Lots of tests! Everything came back completely normal except for one test. An MRI of my Pitituary Gland. It did show some "thickenining" on the back side of the gland. I will need to see an Endocrinologist to make sure all of my hormone levels are fine but it isn't anything that I have to worry about. I will just have to have periodic MRIs and blood tests to make sure everything is okay.

But they didn't find anything that would suggest what these "spells" are that I have. I was so glad that all of tests came back good but I really do want an answer. I was hoping they would find something to explain these horrible episodes that I have.

The GI doctor called Friday and told me that some blood work they had drawn had come back negative. They did a particular test for a disorder called Hereditary Angioedema ( HAE) and I was hoping that would come back positive because these "spells" fit that disorder entirely. I was very disappointed. I had pinned my hopes on that test coming back as positive.

I have a follow up appointment with the GI doctor this Wednesday. I am hoping to discuss some further tests and options for treatment.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. I feel like a broken record-but they really do mean so much to me. Your kindness and compassion really does my heart such good.
Thank you so much.

no place like home

2011-07-20T20:37:00.000-05:00

There is no place like home. Truly.
I am so happy to be back home and take a nice long, hot shower and sleep in my own bed...and see my sweet Holly!

Thank you so much for your prayers and for reaching out to me over the last few days. I cannot even begin to tell you how uplifted I felt knowing I had dear people praying for me.

I don't have much new from the doctor. They did a lot of tests and were able to rule out some things.
I am still waiting on some lab work to come back...so we will see...

I promise to give a better update in the next couple of days. I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and love.

Update from the hospital

2011-07-18T14:18:00.000-05:00

Hi friends

I am typing this from my iPod. After going to the ER again last night for those "spells", I was admitted. It looks like I will be here a few days. They are testing me from top to bottom. I am really hoping that my next post will be that the doctors have found something. That is what I am hoping and praying for. Tomorrow, I should be getting some results from some bloodwork that I had done last week... I am very anxious to get those results!

Take care everyone and thank you for checking on me.

A little thank you and an update

2011-07-11T12:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends

Thank you all so much. I was so overwhelmed by each and every comment, email and message that I have received for you all this week. Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you for the bottom of my heart. You all remind me constantly that I have so many people who care about me and love me. It is so amazing to know that I have so many prayers being said on my behalf.
Thank you so, so much.
That just doesn't seem to be enough...but thank you.

I had an appointment this past Wednesday with a Rheumatologist. I don't know how it happened but I have had TWO AMAZING doctors' visits in a row! Seriously, that is a record that has not been set in my 13 years of being a professional patient. :) He was very kind and thorough. He talked from the moment he opened the door. He was a walking encyclopedia. He knew a lot of information. He was especially kind and I found him very attentive. He is trying me on two new medicines that may help with my fatigue! I am excited. Cautiously so, but excited nevertheless.

My Mom and I thanked him before we left for being so kind and for believing me. And this was my favorite part...he looked up and said,

"Doctors are crazy. You aren't. Your were obviously a lively young lady-cheering, school friends-you had a life. Why would you give that up for this? I believe you. And you believe in yourself because we are going to try and make you feel better."

I really don't think I can add anymore to that. So, I will let the doctor's beautiful words linger on your mind. They make me happy.

I do go tomorrow and Wednesday for GI tests. Nothing too involved...just some CT scans and blood work. Please be in prayer that something will show up and the GI doctor can begin to treat these spells.

Thank you friends. I love you all more than you know.

My current school of thought.

2011-07-05T02:40:00.000-05:00

via pinterest

This will pass...right?

I have been making a desperate attempt to rid myself of a horrible bitter seed that has been firmly planted in my chest and seems to be growing by the minute. Seriously. And I do believe that my appointment with my doctor last month added some serious fertilizer to the nasty seed.

I am working through a lot of really ugly feelings right now.

I just don't know what to think or feel.

Confused. Scared. Angry. Sad.

Desperation. I think that is a good descriptive word to use right now.

I had an appointment with my specialist on June 9th. I really left feeling defeated. He said that my POTS was as controlled as it could be. I don't really remember much after that. It just went downhill from there. I had a list of things to discuss and I just became so flustered, I didn't even get to the list. I don't know. It just didn't go well.

Mom and I just cried for the next 13 hours as we drove home. So depressing.

Mom and I both got bronchitis from somewhere (and then proceeded to spread it to our entire household!) and we have both been in the bed and so sick for the last two weeks. So that really took the wind out of our sails.

Because I was so sick when we got home, I didn't really deal with my feelings around the doctor's appointment. So last week, when I started feeling a little better from the bronchitis, I cried a lot. And then I cried some more.

I am trying to figure out a battle plan. (I think that is an appropriate name for it.) I am searching out for doctors that treat Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in the area because I have never really sought a doctor that specializes in that. I have an appointment with a Rheumatologist on July 6th and hopefully I can start being treated for the pain from Fibromyalgia. I also want to look into holistic treatments for fatigue.

I had an appointment this past Wednesday with a GI doctor to try and figure what those horrible spells are that I have. And I just want to say that the appointment gave me HOPE back!! I feel like God heard my prayers, even those I said in anger and sent me a wonderful angel last week. I didn't get to meet the doctor but I saw his nurse practitioner. Seriously, she restored my faith in the medical profession! She listened to me and asked me detailed questions. And when it was over, she took my hand and promised me that she believed me. She told me she knew these "spells" were truly terrible and we were going to work together and find out what they were. Then she asked if she could pray with me!!
She prayed a beautiful prayer. We asked for God's guidance and patience. My Mom and I were in tears. It was so touching.
She said that she wanted to have a meeting with the doctor and that she would contact me at the end of week and she did! She told me that the they were working on a plan. I just felt so encouraged and CARED for.

Well, as it would happen, I had another spell on Saturday. Yeah, not fun at all. I am still recovering from it. We did go to the ER this time. I was able to get some pain medicine and that helped some. We went to the hospital this time because we hoped if they ran any tests, the doctor could get the results easier.

I am very hopeful that we can find out what happens to me when my stomach hurts so badly.
I am also hoping that this Wednesday's appointment with the Rheumatologist goes as well. We will see. Thank you for your cares and concerns over the last couple of months.

stopping and starting.

2011-05-23T08:33:00.000-05:00

Just when I think I am finding my way back to some bit of normalcy, the world stops spinning again.
I am sad and heartbroken.
Yesterday, Sunday, 22, I had another spell, like the one that I had after my birthday. This one was much worse.
I am so hurt and I feel forgotten by God. Where is He and why isn't He answering my prayers for healing from these beastly, misunderstood spells?!
I am just so sad.
My spirits are very low friends. I humbly ask for your prayers. Please pray for my spirits. Please pray that I hear God's voice and not mine! Please pray that I seek him and don't run from him in anger.
love to you all.
I may be away from blogging again! I hope to "see" you all very soon!
love-

Project Life: Week 19

2011-05-17T08:45:00.001-05:00

Well, after a very long hiatus, I am finally back to Project Life. It is about time! I think the last week that I posted photos was week 12! Geesh!

And after last week's post, I think I jinxed myself because I only took 3 photos last week. But I am not going to beat myself up because I count it as a victory that I took some at all!

So, without further delay...last week!

Sunday, May 8

Sunday was, of course, Mother's Day. I sure do love my Mom. Haley and I got her two more charms to add to her charm bracelet. We each choose a charm every holiday, birthday, etc., that represents us in some way and give them to Mom. Her bracelet is starting to get full. This Mother's Day, we gave her the two on the far left. The camera is from me and the lipstick is from Haley. I made the gift box last year. I thought it turned out pretty cute. The other side is decorated too. Mom saved it and I re-used it this year!

Monday, May 9

Oh my word! One word...heavenly! You guys have to try this sorbet! This blood orange sorbet by Talenti is so good! They make gelato too but I haven't tried it. I love, love, love sorbet in the summer. It is such a treat! This stuff is so addictive! Run to the store and get some!! And after Mom got this for me at the store, I saw where Paula Deen had it in her monthly magazine. ;)

And I also have been doing some "summer reading"! ha! I have enjoyed my May magazines!

Tuesday, May 10

So, I picked up the 3rd season of the The Real Housewives of NYC the week before and I spent the early part of the week having myself a little Housewives marathon. Geesh, those ladies are seriously crazy! I think this shows proves that apparently money makes you rude, obnoxious and seriously deluded about the world. Just saying! All that said, I love this show and I am so addicted!

I know. This was a pitiful excuse for Project Life. Can't wait to see your weeks!

Happy Tuesday.

I am linking up at Jessica's blog today for Project Life Tuesday.

A Face in the Crowd; Susan's Story

2011-05-11T08:28:00.001-05:00

Today, I have an interview with my friend Susan. She is such a beautiful person. Susan and I became friends through a fashion and art community, Polyvore.

When I think of Susan, I think about a quote of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

I want to thank Susan for being kind enough to share her story with all of us. I know that sharing such a personal journey can't always be easy to do. I know that her strength and her perseverance will inspire.

Please, tell us a little about yourself.
My name is Susan. I just turned 30 on April 12th. I've lived in the Salt Lake City area for four years.  My hometown is Sacramento. I enjoy designing and creating. I enjoy trying new things and going new places. I enjoy learning foreign languages, especially sign language.

What illness have you been diagnosed with and when were you diagnosed?
I have been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder.  With bipolar II, the onset is later in life. Usually late teens or early adulthood. With me, things started changing when I was 17, then took a severe turn when I was 18 and pregnant. With bipolar II, the depression is more severe than the mania, generally. I had to quit school and work when things got bad. I was so depressed and felt so much emotional pain that I could barely do anything. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I was tempted to find relief through drugs, but, since I was pregnant and didn't want to hurt the fetus, I didn't. Thankfully.

How long did you experience bipolar symptoms before you received a diagnosis?
It took me four years to be diagnosed. I just thought I was going crazy. I didn't know what to tell the doctors because I didn't understand what was going on. And I was afraid to tell the doctors anything because I had always wanted to adopt children. I thought if they knew what was going on, that I would never be able to adopt. It was I who first diagnosed me. At first, my doctor sent me to a stress management class. I thought it was a great class, but that there was more going on.  He then sent me to a class on depression. Again, great class, but there was more going on. I ended up doing research on my own and when I read about bipolar disorder it was so familiar and made sense. I wrote up a couple of papers about why I thought I was bipolar and took it to my doctor He wasn't convinced. He said he thought I just had some weird form of depression. He actually used the word "weird". He decided to make photo copies of the things I had written. While he was in the hall, he met with the person at the head of the bipolar department. He showed him my notes.  The head of the department told him that, yes, I was bipolar. I was switched and put into his care.

Have you had to make adjustments in your life to deal with your illness?
After I was diagnosed, I was put on medication, and started seeing a counselor. I had lost my dad when I was two and had been sexually abused when I was around three or four, which is typical of people with bipolar II to have had traumatic events in their childhood. I had to wait until I was somewhat stable for the counseling to do any good. Not too long after I was put on medication, I became pregnant again and had to go off of the medication. To help me get through, I stayed with family members for part of the pregnancy. My husband was in the process of fixing up our house in order to sell it, and I was just getting in the way. During this time, I was having a lot of what I called "irrational thoughts". My mind would be bombarded with thoughts and I was unable to tell what was real and what was irrational often. There were periods of times when I could think clearly, and I'd use those times to review the thoughts that I'd had and label them as rational or irrational. Then, when they popped into my head again, I could remember what they were, since I couldn't think in that moment what they were. If that makes sense. For example, if there was a lot of noise and confusion going on, it was very difficult for me since my head was already noisy and confused. When this happened, I had the thought that if the outside noise didn't stop, my head would explode. Obviously, that wasn't true. But that is how it seemed. Once I labeled it as being irrational, I didn't have to worry about it anymore. There were many, many other thoughts like that that I had to label. Labeling the thoughts was extremely helpful.

After baby number 2 was born, I went through a period of time with no symptoms whatsoever. I felt like a normal person for the space of a year when I was breastfeeding. I felt like I could take on the world. As soon as I stopped breastfeeding, the depression and irritability crept back into my life. This started a long, difficult period of time of trying to find stability with medications that takes us to today. I've tried every kind of bipolar medicine and am currently taking two medications as well as a cholesterol medication because of a side effect of one of them. I am almost stable. Through it all, I've had difficulties in being there for my kids the way I want to be, difficulty in my marriage and difficulty in keeping my house and life as organized as I'd like it to be.

Is there a factor (i.e., faith, family love, hope, etc.) that helps you cope with the struggles of your Bipolar disorder?
My children have been my reason to wake up every morning and try again. My husband has been a huge support. My hope has kept me trying medication after medication. My faith has kept me away from drugs and kept me close to Jesus. During a time when I only felt blackness, I came across a scripture that helped a great deal.  I can't remember where I found it, but it talked about having the spirit and knowing it not. It strengthened me because I was trying my hardest and feeling nothing. It was comforting to know that I could be being guided and not know it. I also went to a twelve-step program for a time that was really helpful. I was invited to go to help a friend, but it ended up helping me. It was for people with any kind of addiction. Not just alcohol.  Most there were people who were addicted to pornography. It was encouraging to see people set free. It also helped me forgive my childhood abuser. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.

Are there any final thoughts you would like to share, Susan?

To people who are going through difficult times, I would say to be grateful for the little things. Notice them.  Don't lose hope. Build a good support group. There are people who care. Stay away from people who bring you down. And, lastly, you can be guided without even knowing it.

Thank you again, Susan! You are a truly beautiful person!

Think Happy Thoughts

2011-05-10T19:15:00.000-05:00

Over the last month, each day has seemed to be a battle of wills. Each day has been hard and quite difficult emotionally and physically. There were several days that I just watched the clock slowly tick through the day and I couldn't wait for the sun to set and soon I could go to sleep and completely escape for the night. I am not going to lie; it has been hard.

There have been days that I have taken to wearing granny sunglasses in the house and even talking was too much exertion. The television stayed turned off and my laptop was hardly on. My world got so small.

It hurt my heart. I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

And sometimes all I could do to get through the next few moments was to

Think {very} Happy Thoughts!

It was like a moment from Peter Pan. If I thought long enough and hard enough, I drifted away from the terrible moment. I could momentarily be anywhere but where I was.

Call it denial or just pure crazy...it sometimes worked.

I thought about the roses that I knew were blooming outside.
I remembered a beach trip with friends and climbing over a fence to get into a new subdivision's pool that wasn't open yet.
I thought about the beautiful architecture in New Orleans.
I went through each first day of school from K-5 and tried to remember what I wore the first day of school. (I did good! I could remember every year but 2!)
I remembered the butterflies from my high school crush.
I thought about cheer leading and the year that our football team went to the Play Offs.
I thought about family vacations to the beach and to Disney World.

I am optimistic person but I am also realistic. I think you can be both. My situation is so hard and so painful but my life is also full of such beautiful, happy moments.

Life is hard. It is really hard, a lot of the time. I firmly believe that we have spectacularly, beautiful moments that may only last a second so that when we face dark times, we have something to hang on to and so we can be reminded of joy that is surely around the corner.

Each day I am trying my best to think happy thoughts!

Hey Everyone!

2011-05-09T20:46:00.001-05:00

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a nice Mother's Day.

I just wanted to start off by saying that I am giving myself a pat on the back today. I have finally started taking pictures again for Project Life. I didn't take any photos last month but I have taken them for this week. I realize that is only 2 photos but that is an improvement!

Speaking of pictures, I have wanted to take a photo of my camera strap put up. I just love it! It was a birthday present for myself. Dad tells me that I look like the winner of the Kentucky Derby when I have all the flowers draped around my neck. He is so silly.

I purchased it here. They also have small straps like this for smaller point and shoot cameras. If I had known that I would have bought one for my other camera a lot sooner! :) But I just love it and I think it makes my camera look girlie! I also bought a camera bag but it is at the shop being monogrammed, so I don't have it to show you. It isn't actually a camera bag but this Vera Bradley lunch box! The camera and its accessories fit perfectly! And it looks really pretty with the camera strap. Love it! Mom is going to put some put some foam in the bottom of it to give it a little extra padding.

And I am happy to say that I went out for a little bit Friday. Yay for that too! It was such a nice day. I was kind of sad because I took back some clothes because I know that I won't be out and about very much this summer. Mom and I both cried through out the day. I felt really bad I wanted to get out of this house. We found ourselves crying in the car and in stores because we both see how far I have to go but we also were so very, very thankful that I was out, regardless of how I felt.

But I am also happy because:

1). I had to look for some new summer pants because I stopped taking some medicine and have lost some weight!! YES!!!!!

2). I found some white pants at the Gap and was able to use 3 coupons all the same time and I got them for a great deal!

3). I bought the 3rd Season of The Real Housewives of New York City. And I find that watching such fluffy television makes me absolutely, abstinent mindfully happy!!

Do any of you watch any of the Real Housewives shows? I only watch NYC but I am slightly obsessed.

And this made me happy today. I had a migraine and I when I opened up my medicine, I found this in the box. I am never too old for my Mom's sweet notes!

Have a great week!

Just an update.

2011-05-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for your generous words of support and your prayers after Friday's post.

Our electricity returned last night. We were very fortunate to have a generator while we were without power, though.

It isn't quite back to business as usual at our house but it is getting there.

Thanks again for your love.

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I had such concrete plans for my blog for last month but that obviously didn't happen. I have given myself a break and try to tell myself it is okay if I don't stick to my schedule. I should have known better...schedules don't really work with me!
Anyway, I am hoping to slowly but surely start blogging again. I miss blogging and reading your blogs terribly.
I am feeling a little stronger these days. I am still not eating meals at the table regularly and I am still bed bound BUT I have started to get bored! That is great news! Because if I am bored that means I am feeling some better! I will take every little bit of good news.

Have a great week friends!

Sweet Home Alabama

2011-04-29T09:24:00.001-05:00

There are no words to explain the devastation that has engulfed my state. The number of people whose lives will be forever changed is simply astonishing. All you find yourself saying is,

Unbelievable.

Our home is battered and bruised but compared to others across the state, we are so lucky. Our family can't help but feel completely protected by our Lord Wednesday morning. Huge, gigantic trees fell directly beside our home, brushing against it, on all sides but didn't harm its structure.

My father's family has been quite devastated by the storms. His hometown was one of the hardest hit areas. Entire neighbors are completely gone. My grandmother has severe damage to her home and others lost their home entirely. One family member has been hospitalized.

My Mother's great grandmother's house was destroyed. It was built in the late 1800's. Her grandmother was born there. Even though our family no longer owns that home, my mother was so saddened to see it gone.

So much history-gone in seconds.

Our college town has been changed forever. The college campus was spared but all around is complete destruction. It is so overwhelming to see more and more information coming through on Facebook and learning that one more friend or former classmate has lost their home or family.

Unbelievable.

My family is not scared by bad weather. We have become quite complacent because Alabama has such severe weather so often but this day was different. My sister and I were huddled in corners with our heads covered.
It was so fast though. It was here and gone in a matter of seconds. There was no time to warn one another or anything. It was so scary.

We had two waves of storms that came through on Wednesday. Our damage was sustained during the early morning wave. We aren't sure if it was a tornado or straight-line winds. But it has been reported that the winds in our area were hurricane strength.

We are so thankful. Each night I am so thankful that my whole family is upstairs has I go to sleep in my own bed.

We are just so very thankful.

Part of our roof missing.

View from the front door.

A very old and very large oak tree was pulled over and damaged our back porch.

Our steps are now floating in mid-air.

Mom was trying to show the size of that tree! The bottom of it was taller than her!

If this tree had fallen the other direction...it just scares me to think about what could have happened.

This tree fell directly behind our house.
It was a large pine tree.

If you look straight through the branches you can see my little white window.
Again, we were so blessed that the trees fell in the direction they did.

Trees fell on our vehicles.

Our home from the front. It is overwhelming. I know my parents will have a lot of work ahead of them. But we are so thankful we still have a home and yard that has to be cleaned up!

I do want to close this post on a positive note.
The sense of community is so strong. Volunteers are being turned away by the hundreds. Neighbors are helping neighbors; sharing our homes, our hands and our hearts.

We are a great state and I know that we will recover!

Project Life

2011-04-26T13:38:00.001-05:00

Well, isn't the normal Project Life Tuesday. But I am pleased to finally be participating again! Yay for that!

Since I getting so sick, the camera has been tucked away and I rarely felt motivated to get it out. But there were a few instances that I wanted to capture.

I don't know any of the dates of these photos but here are a few highlights from the last month.

And before we continue, I edited my photos but the edited versions won't load. They only upload into blogger as the original versions. II have been having lots of trouble with that lately and I am not sure where the problems is. Anyway...moving on.

Little Holly. She is my sweet baby. I love her to pieces! And I think she loves me too. For the last month, she hasn't done anything but lay my stomach and sleep with me. She is so sweet. And the sweetest thing is that she know when I am upset and crying. She always gets so antsy a crawls up on my shoulders and tries to lick my face. (Which she knows she isn't supposed to do.) It just melts my heart.

I am not really sure whose bed this is exactly? Mine or Hers? The jury is still out!

I think this was one Sunday. Every came down and we all laid in the bed. All of us were tired and about to go to bed. So no one was really up for some head shots...

I know! This is sooo attractive!

One Tuesday my friend Gillian sent me a belated birthday gift. It was a lovely gift box for a company called The Popcorn Factory. It was a cute little box with different flavored popcorn, chocolates and candies. I would eat any of it for several days because it was too cute to open up!
And the same day, my Mom stopped by Target for me and picked up Country Strong. It was a good day! :)

The view out of my bedroom has been gorgeous (when I don't leave the shade drawn)!

And I have basically been eating bowls and bowls of strawberries everyday! They have been so good. And every once in awhile, I will spice them up with a couple of brownies. :)

Happy Tuesday!

a little random for you.

2011-04-25T05:48:00.000-05:00

I was going to post a few photos from the last month. Just a few things that I felt like taking a photo of but I can't find my camera cord! Don't you just hate that?

Anyway, I am trying hard to make myself get back into the routine of blogging. Right now, I am not sleeping very well and blogging in the wee hours of the morning seems to work okay.

I have a to-do list a mile long and keeps growing. I am so far behind. I have so much I want to do and need to do.

I have decided that I have two goals for the summer. One is to go somewhere and wear a sundress. (Which will sort of make me add one more thing to the to-do list because I have got to get a spray tan or something! These white legs are not attractive!!)

And my second goal for the summer is to work on at least one scrapbook page.

I know...that list is pretty small to say the least but right now that is all I can think about! It keeps me motivated and happy.

I have been listening to several audio books over the last month! Really a lot!

I am so thankful for audio books!

I have read/listened to:

1. Water for Elephants

2. The Hunger Games Trilogy (strange series!)

3. The Lincoln Lawyer

4. The Game Change (about the 2008 election) It was very interesting.

5. Decision Points by George Bush

6. I also listened to The Help again. That is such a great book! I can't wait for the movie.

Anyway, this post was pretty random.

I hope you all have a great week!

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T02:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter!

I hope you all have a blessed day!

plans meet reality

2011-04-21T03:10:00.000-05:00

"Many are the plans of man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Proverbs 19:21

This is the verse that I memorized for the Siesta Scripture Memory Team . I find myself repeating it out loud all through out the day.

I just turned 28 and I have said before, while celebrating birthdays and other important holidays, I cannot help but linger for a moment on the sadness that such time has passed by.

I thought 28 was so old. I thought that I would be married and possibly have a child. Graduating college wasn't on the list of possibilities; it was a given. And of course I would be working. What else would I be doing? I would be living on my own and in my own home.
I would be nearly 30, after all.
Who still lives with their parents at the age? ...gasps...

These weren't goals. They were my plans. It was my road map for becoming an adult.
It is what you did. It is what everyone did.

I wish that I could say that in all of the years that have passed and in my struggles to have my reality and my dreams meet somewhere in the middle, that I had a found a new definition for myself and what makes me valuable and what makes me worthy. But I haven't. I still find it difficult to not measure who I am with the person that I think that I should be.
And let me tell you. I do not measure up.

No matter what the reason, I am terrified to my core that I have still not finished college, or met someone special or moved out of my parents' home.

What kind of person am I?
The answer is, I don't know.

I try to reconcile with my old self and my old plans but they never meet. Never seem to fit.

I catch myself to talking to God, angrily. Demanding that He change all this. Begging him to give me my dreams back. I scream that I don't want His plan; I want my own plans. I must digress to His greatness.

It is a moment by moment struggle. These last few weeks have been so hard. I shudder when I think that I have spent most of April in the bed with the blinds pulled tight.
Time is slipping further and further away and my heart hurts for what I want for myself and what I feel God has just left me with.

My Birthday Party!

2011-04-19T05:15:00.000-05:00

Hello Friends!

It has been ages!
I know my birthday was three weeks ago but I still feel like it was yesterday. I think it is because it was the last thing that I did before I became so sick and time has just stopped for me. I still get so happy looking through these photos! It was a wonderful day.

I thought it was just going to be Mom, Dad, Haley and Mike (Haley's boyfriend) at my little party but my entire family and a couple of friends came! What a surprise! I had no idea it was going to be a full house!

My Mom and sister did a beautiful job decorating.
It was a very special day.

The Drink Station
We had delicious punch. I love punch! My Mom has started making a sangria punch (minus the alcohol) and it is fantastic! She cut up fruit and had it floating in the top of the punch jar. It was very pretty.

All of the flowers that she used were from our front yard.

Party Food!
Everything is homemade except for the cupcakes. We love party foods! My Mom went above and beyond. Truly!

The food quickly disappeared!

This is one of my favorite photos from the day. I was trying to be "artsy" with my camera. I like how all the dishes are empty and the cupcakes catch your eye in the background. :)

My cupcakes. They were quite delicious!

Here I am in my new birthday outfit. I love my new polka-dot Gap scarf! I had these shoes too but they hated my feet and I couldn't walk in them! Fortunately, I just wore them in the house so I returned them ASAP!

My entire family!

And I always make everyone take a silly photo too! Because they are just fun! This is one has my two friends that came as well. Darrah (next to Patrick) and Beth (next to Haley).

It was a wonderful day! I can't say that enough!!

I can't wait to make a scrapbook page with all these great photos! I am really pleased with our family photo. I think it turned out really well.

I am glad that I could finally share these with you all!

Take a Breath...

2011-04-02T05:59:00.000-05:00

First of all, please know that your each of your kind, kind words warmed my heart and soul. Please know that I am so thankful for your prayers and your love. Overwhelming love is what I feel when you say such loving prayers on my behalf.

Thank you.

To say that this past week has been difficult would be an understatement. It has been darn hard. A doozey of giant proportions. I have taken to wearing sunglasses in the house because I am so weak, my eyes just hurt. No television and I am eating meals in bed. No sleep and headaches.

I am able to listen to my iPod as long as it is turned down low. (So happy about that!)

I am indulging myself in audio books right now. I have read (listened) to some great ones!

My sweet Hay (Haley) comes to visit me each night and little Holly has been the sweetest puppy ever.

Lots of tears have been shed this week. I have my Mom keep reminding me that everything will get better. I just feel so defeated.

Everything just hurts.

My heart hurts the most.

It is spring and it is beautiful. I want to be able to see spring unfold.

I have so many things that I want to share. So many things and I know that I will but like so many things, it isn't exactly as I planned. I just have to wait a little while longer.

I can't wait to answer the questions you guys asked me. They were such fun to read.

And share my new camera...it is a beauty.

And tell all about my birthday party. It was so beautiful and full of love.

I have a playlist on my iPod called Hope.

This song is my current anthem.

I don't what I would do without my precious family.

They are precious souls. I am so glad that we were given to one another.

Hopefully, I will "see" you all soon! :)

Much love!

Hanging on to Hope

2011-03-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

Hello sweet friends. I am writing this from my phone so please forgive the post's appearance. I had so hoped to come and share the truly glorious party my family threw for me in Saturday. Late last night, I had another horrible spell and it has left me ravaged. I humbly ask for your prayers. Recovering from these spells is long and difficult. I hope to return to my blog as soon as possible. I miss you all already but hopefully I will have the energy to return to normal activities soon. Much love and a million thanks for your precious prayers.

Project Life: Week 12

2011-03-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

I have decided to change my Project Life days up a bit. I will still be linking up at Jessica's blog on Tuesdays but I am going to post my photos on Saturdays.

Just in case you were wondering!

Basically my photos from this week are all about my awesome new camera and the build up to my birthday party that was early today! All in all, in was a ~~good~~ great week.

Monday, March 21

The day before my birthday, I had two packages arrive from my best friend Kim and my friend Kathryn. As much as I wanted to open them immediately, I saved them to open on Tuesday, my actual birthday.

Tuesday, March 22

Happy Birthday to Me! :) I was 28 on Tuesday but I think I will just pretend that I am only 22. ha! I don't feel 28 at all. But ya know, that is another story!
Mom took me to get a pedicure and my toes thank me! My friend Kim gave me a really pretty comb for my hair and I was happy that I got to wear that on Tuesday.

Wednesday, March 23

Playing with my new camera again today. These are my gifts from Kim and Kathryn. Isn't the hair comb so pretty? I just love it! And Kathryn sent me a really pretty pocket mirror for my purse. Both gifts were very sweet and such a nice surprise. Thank you ladies!

Thursday, March 24
Y'all, I love this camera! I have been having such a good time playing around with it. I loved how this photo turned out! I have always wanted to know how to take a photo where the foreground is a little blurry and the focus is on the object in background. (Did that make sense?) Anyway, I thought this turned out so pretty and I was really pleased with myself. And kudos to Mom for planting such pretty irises.

Friday, March 25

Well, my home is buzzing with business. Everyone is rushing around getting ready for my party. I have been banished to downstairs until Saturday. Hmm...I wonder what they are doing up there?! I am very excited about my birthday party. It is nothing big-just me, parents, my sister Haley, her boyfriend Mike and my aunt Ginger.

I am preparing for the big day too. I am resting up and getting lots of fluids today!

Saturday, March 26
Whew! I can honestly say that I am pooped and don't think that I will be crawling out from the under the blankets for days! But that is okay because I had an amazing day!! My family went above and beyond to throw me the perfect party! I can't wait to share it with you all on Monday (hopefully!) Here is a little sneak.

I feel so loved y'all! That is such a wonderful feeling. My family is such a blessing.
Have a great upcoming week!

Friday's Frills

2011-03-25T12:34:00.001-05:00

Before we proceed with today's post, remember, to go here and send me your questions for an upcoming post. I love to hear from you!

How many times have I said that I L.O.V.E. banners? Alot, I know.

Because I really love banners! Anytime, any place. I love them.

Can you guess what today's frills is all about?

That's right. Banners!

I love this mini fabric bunting for a cake. Precious.

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Filling a whole room with strands of beautiful fabric bunting would be pretty.

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A birthday photo banner! Too cute! This is from Danyelle's birthday party from {dandee}. I love her blog! She has the cutest things!

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I love these colors. Look how cute that fence looks now! :)

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You can spruce up a chair or two with a banner as well!

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And I love this on the card! What a great way to use some of your paper or fabric scraps!

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And I really fell in love with this mini "hello" banner greeting card.

It can be purchased at the Etsy shop, Reflects the Moon.

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Have any of you ever made a fabric bunting or birthday banner? Send me the link or email me a photo because I would love to see them!

Have a great weekend everyone!

fun

2011-03-23T09:14:00.000-05:00

I keep coming back to my blog page and I start a post but I can't seem to finish it. My mind seems to be going in every direction and I can't tame a thought long enough to let it pass it through the keyboard.

Hmm...what to do?

I love interacting here in blog world but that can be difficult to do when you can find the words to engage.

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So, I thought I would borrow this idea for my friend Erin.

A couple of weeks ago, Erin asked her readers to send in their questions to her. It was so fun! She got asked all sorts of things and then answered them in a blog post.

So, for the next few days, leave your questions for me. You can email me or leave a comment with your question. You can also send me a message via Facebook or Polyvore (if you are visiting from one of those sites).

Whatever you want to ask, go ahead! I will do a blog post next week and answer all the questions that I get. (And hopefully I will get a few because otherwise I will feel quite silly for postsing this! ha!)

So let's have some fun!

Ask away!

Project Life: Week 11

2011-03-22T08:28:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone! Another week has passed and I still cannot believe how fast time goes.
Thanks for stopping by!

Sunday, March 13

We went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday. (Yes, it was a late celebration!) I forgot to take my camera, so I grabbed it when I got home and tried to take our photo. We gave up after about 10 tries. We could never fit us all in. We laughed a lot though!

Monday, March 14

I realize that I am nearly 30 but I still get excited when an American Girl catalog comes in the mail. My sister has Samantha's collection and I have Molly's. Molly was the first purchase that I ever saved my money for and bought myself. I was 9 and I was so proud! I chose Molly because she wore round glasses and so did I when I was a child. If I had to choose one now though, I think I would chose Kit. I think she is so cute!

Tuesday, March 15

On most Tuesdays, Haley does her laundry and while she is downstairs, we usually visit with one another. I always look forward to our Tuesdays together.

Haley loves good pens and I was showing her my new sharpie pens. She wanted to write with and came to the conclusion that "it looks like a pen but write likes a marker". And I just love her so much that I gave it to her. I know. I am such a good big sister. :)

Wednesday, March 16

One of my favorite movies is a Hallmark Channel movie with Keri Russel and Skeet Ulrich. It is called, The Magic of Ordinary Days. It is such a sweet movie. I didn't know it for a long time but it is based on a book of the same title. I recently bought both the movie and book on Amazon and I am thoroughly enjoying them both!

I highly recommend them!

Thursday, March 17

I had a wonderful, wonderful time with my friend Becca!! We ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We both got the same thing to eat; the Renee's special and dessert of course. :)

Friday, March 18
I was out of the house two days in row!!! I was so excited! I haven't been out of the house two days in a row since before Thanksgiving! It was a real treat. Among other places, we stopped by Edgars and I bought my favorite cookies, Meltaways. They are so good.

Saturday, March 19
One of the places that we went on Friday was the camera shop. I bought myself a birthday present! A new camera!! I was so nervous taking it out of the package. Hopefully, this photo will be the last one with my old camera. Yay!

Happy Spring everyone!

I am linking up at Jessica's blog today for Project Life Tuesday.

to tell my story.

2011-03-21T21:51:00.000-05:00

I spent a wonderful Thursday evening with one of my dear friends, Becca. We don't get to see one another as often as we would like and we always enjoy our time together. Before we said our goodbyes we were talking and she asked me about my blog. Then she asked me why I had decided to start blogging.

I don't know. I really had never thought about what my reasons were.

So, it got me thinking.

Why did I start blogging?

I think that I started blogging because I wanted to tell my story. The healing that comes when someone hears your story and validates your feelings is really powerful. I know that all too well. The cathartic healing that comes from this blog is surprising to me. I didn't know who would see this blog - if anyone -but I wanted my words to be seen.
I wanted to tell my story.
I wanted to tell the good and the bad. The ugly and the beautiful.

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I also wanted to begin my blog because my world has gotten smaller over the years. One by one people have left and I have watched has one opportunity after another has slipped away and I saw this blog as a way that I could reach out. I have always believed that if my suffering could help one other person feel less alone then my suffering would not be in vein.

Beginning this blog was my way of saying, I am here. I understand. I will listen.

My story is not remarkable. It is truly ordinary. Perhaps my circumstance may be a little different but my pain, my hurt, my suffering, my love, my joy, my hope and my faith-those are shared by everyone in all walks of life all across the world and they have their stories too. The common thread are those emotions that weave in and out of different stories.

"The best things of life come out of wounding. Wheat is crushed before it becomes bread. Incense must be cast upon the fire before its odors are set free. The ground must be broken with the sharp plow before it is ready to receive the seed. It is the broken heart that pleases God. The sweetest joys in life are the fruits of sorrow. Human nature seems to need suffering to fit it for being a blessing to the world"

Francis Cowman, Streams in the Desert

just wanted the world to know...

2011-03-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

I have had a couple of better days and I have enjoyed them so much! I haven't done anything major but I have just been more comfortable. (I even did a couple of loads of laundry and that made my Mom happy!)

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Tonight, I am having dinner with my best friend Becca. I am so excited.

I feel it is important to share when I am having a better day (or two!) because you all share in the down times and it is important to celebrate the up times together too!

It is well with my soul.

2011-03-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is Well With My Soul

Horatio Spafford

I love this song. It is my song. It is my song in the sense that it speaks the words that my heart feels. Even on the really, really bad days. This whole thing -this gut-wrenching, devastating, suffocating thing- is okay.

My heart is at peace with God's work even when my head is saying otherwise.

Christ regarded my helpless state.
That one line in this wonderful song had escaped me until this weekend.
Among other things, regard means:

1). to have respect or concern for 2). to think highly of 3). to take into account; consider

He planned ahead. He planned for this unthinkable situation that I didn't plan for. He has continued to bring people into my life to help me through each day. The last ten years are full of God's loving plan. It has been full of loving souls that have been sent to help me find my way.

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When I am down and confused and feeling alone, I remember each precious soul that has been placed in my life. I think about what they look like, what they sound like and I remember what their role has been during this difficult time.

It is pretty overwhelming. It is such a beautiful reminder that long ago before I was ever created..

Christ regarded my helpless state and he chose to send me miraculous lifelines that catch me just when I feel my feet slipping from under me.

It is a beautiful thing.

Project Life: Week 10

2011-03-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

This week's Project Life is a little sparse. I was feeling a little poorly after my block on Tuesday and then to top things off I fainted in public (again!) on Thursday. It was a rough week and there were not to many things that I felt like documenting but here are a few highlights.

Sunday, March 6

I made my happy birthday banner last year before my birthday party at home. I love it so much that I wanted to see it all month long. So, Mom strung it up for me. It was a few days late getting up but better late than never!

Monday, March 7

I had a little late night snack. I think Fresca is the perfect popcorn drink! I watched The Real Housewives of Miami. I just love the Real Housewives; It is my guilty pleasure for sure. All those women are crazy! My favorites are NY and Washington, D.C.

Friday, March 11

Paging Nurse Haley! She started my IV for me again this week. I was feeling pretty lousy so she started me some fluids on Friday. And she started the IV in a more difficult spot this time and she did a GREAT job! I am telling y'all, she is the best sister!

I know! Sparse right? But at least I got a few. This week's post is so puny, I don't think I am going to link up at Jessica's blog today but be sure and stop by and check out the other bloggers' Project Life Tuesday!

project life week 9

2011-03-08T07:00:00.002-06:00

Sunday, February 27

How cute is this? I love my sweet Holly. My uncle had his overalls on because he was on his way to work. He stuck Holly in his front pocket. It was seriously cute. Holly wasn't too happy with the arrangement but I got a good photo out of it, so it is okay if she was momentarily uncomfortable.

Monday, February 28

This is paper weight that I got a weeks ago at TJ Maxx. I love that store!

Tuesday, March 1

My sister's boyfriend, Mike shares a birthday with my dad (the 3rd). He secretly likes the movie, Waitress. I wanted to fix his present up all cute so, I made a little pie gift tag. I was kind of pleased. It felt so nice to make something! I haven't worked on any crafts of any kind in so very long. My insomnia was fruitful that night! ha!

Wednesday, March 2

Okay, this is probably the most boring photo ever but hopefully my commentary will boost its rating! I wrap these "brix" in a pillow case and use them when I am having a migraine.

1. Every time I get one out of the freezer I always sing the words to She's a Brick House by The Commodores.
2. I usually get two at a time-one for each eye- and when they clang together, they really sound like a brick!
3. I have thought that if someone ever broke into the house while I had a migraine, they would have no idea what kind of weapon was waiting for them in that pillow case on my head! Seriously, folks. I think those things could be dangerous! ha! (I also think I may watch to many prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel to know that such an item in a pillowcase could be used as a weapon.)

Thursday, March 3

A sweet sleep puppy. Does this photo really need any explanation? I think not!

Friday, March 4

We celebrated Mike's birthday. He was very sweet about his gift. And he didn't really get that his gift tag was a pie and it went along with his movie but that is okay; he is a guy after all. I don't think they notice such things.

Have a great Tuesday!

hello

2011-03-07T07:00:00.001-06:00

My sleep pattern is still off which means I am a little "off" too!

(Ask my family and they would say that I am a little "off" whether I sleep or not.)

Yesterday, I just started crying and it felt really nice. That may sound strange but I am a very emotional kind of person and I cry a lot. Always have. And sometimes, when I go to long without a good cry it catches up with me.

When I haven't had a good cry in awhile, the tears are usually triggered by the tiniest little thing -as was the case yesterday- and then a tidal wave comes. I felt better after it was over so that was a good.

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All the dots on my iPod calender are making me look like I am cool, again! Except this month's dots are not for television shows but lots of doctor's appointments and birthdays.
It is a busy month. (According to my iPod.)

I do have an important appointment on Tuesday. I go every 4 to 5 months and I have an occipital nerve block done to help my migraines. It sounds much more intrusive than it really is. Basically, the doctor injects a mixture of steroids and lidocaine into each side of the base of my head. It literally takes 60 seconds.
I have a terrible time recovering from these blocks but they are worth it in the end because they help my migraine pain so very much! I am not sure what really happens but my Dysautonomia just doesn't like the blocks. I don't mind having a few tough days for fewer migraines. I consider it a fair trade.

Anyway, I probably won't be blogging this week but I plan on being back and in full force next week for sure.

Friday's Frills

2011-03-04T07:00:00.001-06:00

No Friday's Frills today.

My week has been all out of sorts and I just didn't finish today's post as planned.

I know things will get back to normal...I am just waiting.

Enjoy your weekends, sweet friends.

I am so thankful that this blog opens up my world and you all are in it!

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I just thought these were pretty photos that I found via Pinterest and I wanted to share them.

Happy Friday!

xoxo

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2011-03-03T07:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Dad,

Today is your birthday. Today is the day where it is all about you. And I suppose that you do deserve this one day because you make every other day all about "your girls"!

You go to work everyday while it is still dark and usually you don't come home until it is dark. You work so hard to take care of us. I am so thankful that you didn't mind working hard so that Mom could stay at home to take care of us. You have made it so that we always have had everything we needed and wanted.

You knew my cheers at the football games by heart. You knew where I was in the dance line up so that you could video me perfectly. You yelled louder than anyone else when they would call my name out for the top ten in beauty pageants.

There is no doubt that your love for me really does reach the sky.

I hope that I make you proud. I hope that when you see things that you love about me, that you realize they came from you.

You are so loving and you always think the best of people. You will go above and beyond to help someone. You know how to make and fix anything! I don't know how you learned to to all that you can do.

You have set the bar very high, Dad. When it comes time for me to choose someone to spend my life with, he has A LOT to live up to. You have shown me how much love a man should have and show to his family.

I Love You!

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I am behind on life.

2011-03-02T19:37:00.000-06:00

The story of my life. I am behind.

I am having a horrid bout with insomnia right now. My days and night are completely crazy. I really do, absolutely, positively HATE not sleeping. It throws everything off and makes me feel so bad. Ugh.

Holly is sleeping just fine!

I have to-do lists - phone calls that I need to make, emails that I need to return, blogs that I need to visit, cards that I need to write. Yeah, none of that is happening right now.
I have good intentions but I can't seem to make them happen. Hopefully, I will start sleeping again in a few days. That is what I am hoping for, anyway.

I do have my 5th Siesta verse ready though.

Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.

Jeremiah 33:6

Project Life: Week 8

2011-03-01T08:45:00.001-06:00

Well, another week has come and gone and now it is March! My goodness! Spring is right around the corner! I am so excited!

Sunday, February 20

I don't know if it was because I watched an episode of Cupcake Challenge on the Food Network or what but I was having a serious cupcake craving Sunday! I told Mom that all I could think of was a yellow cupcake and chocolate icing and she made me some! They were yummy.

My family likes to exaggerate their enthusiasm when posing for my many photos. They look at one another when I whip out the camera and make this face, like, "Oh, here we go again!" And then their silly photos get put online...serves them right! ha!

Monday, February 21

It is so pretty here. It has been getting in the 70's and there is now a dusting of pollen on everything! Holly loves the pretty weather.

Tuesday, February 22

I love fun mail days! My Spring Loft catalog came and a book that I ordered from Amazon and forgot about, so that was a nice surprise. My netflix movies and my birthday coupon from Anthropologie arrived too. Yes, it was a good day. :)

Wednesday, February 23

I keep my daily medicine in this bag and it had gotten so messy! I couldn't find anything. This bag is perfect for organizing medicine. And I happy to report that nearly a week later, it still looks this neat.

Thursday, February 24

This maybe my favorite photo in a very, very long time. This is the dearest soul in the world. Meet Mr. Turner; he is just such a precious person.

Mom was his secretary from about 1995-2002. We have stayed in touch over the years. He brings me books because he knows how much I love to read and he has even chided me for wasting a perfectly good football ticket on a not-so-nice boy.

And he always says, Now Heather, how are you?

I try to be polite and just tell him that I am fine and then he says,

Okay, let's get all that out of the way. Now tell me how you are really doing.

He is just so special.

My week is a little short of photos again but I am pleased with the ones that I did take. I think this was my favorite week so far.

Have a great day!

a random post

2011-02-28T05:45:00.000-06:00

Hello Friends!
Did you have a good weekend?

Today is kind of a random post. (Just in case you couldn't tell by the title.)

Did you watch the Oscars? Do you have a best/worst dress list?

Amy Adams, Nicole Kidman & Reese Witherspoon what were you thinking? You all usually look so pretty! I was saddened.

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Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock were my favorites.

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And on to other blog things.

Throw out any blog etiquette about self-promotion today because I want to know about the blogs that you love! Whether it is your blog or a friend's-leave me a link! I am always looking for new blogs to check out!

Also, are any of you on Pinterest? It is this really fun inspiration-board creating website using images you find on the web. I just joined and I am kind of addicted!
If you haven't joined but check it out and think you would like to, send me an email because I have 5 invitation links that I can send to anyone that is interested.
As the Pinterest folks said, it is just more fun with your friends.

And to further randomize this post, I want to know what kind of camera you guys use? I love snapping photos and since I have started participating in Project Life this year, I am taking even more photos than usual. I think now would be a great time to invest in a good camera. I haven't decided whether to go with a point & shoot or a DSLR?
I would love any opinions, feedback or advice.

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What do you like/dislike about your current camera and do you have any "extras" for your camera that help you take better photos?

Well, I hope everyone has a great Monday.

Friday's Frills

2011-02-25T07:35:00.000-06:00

I was pretty excited about preparing today's post already but when I saw Erin's post about her awesome suitcase finds, I was really excited! Erin, I hope you find some suitcase inspiration here today! :)

I love these pretty earthy colors together. I think this would look so great at the end of a hallway or inside a foyer.

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There are some really cute ways to use suitcases as tables and nightstands.

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And how cute are these at the end of the bed instead of using an ottoman or bench?

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You could store your linens in them! I thought this was such a great idea!

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A chair!! Can you believe it? I was pretty impressed by this amazing creation!

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A medicine cabinet! Erin and I were both very impressed by this design! Whoever came up with this idea really knows how to think outside the box!

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There were lots of ideas for using suitcases as beds for your pets. They were all so pretty and unique but this one from the Etsy shop, The Pop Stops Here was my personal favorite.

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Okay, now this was my all time favorite find! I am now on a mission to create myself one of this super cute wrapping stations! I mean, isn't this just so precious?!!

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You can have a cute place to store your craft projects and supplies.

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And I thought this was pretty cute too for a small business or shop. Use the suitcase to display your merchandise. VERY cute!

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Okay, everyone, I am off to find myself a good vintage suitcase! What about you?

And Erin, be sure and keep us updated on what on what you decide to do with your suitcases!

a special grace

2011-02-23T20:26:00.000-06:00

It takes a special grace to be the sibling of a person with a chronic illness.

It takes great selflessness and a giving heart.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to carry the extra load that these special siblings carry when they live day in and day out with another person's illness.

These precious siblings are the unsung heroes of the story of those who suffer in any way.

I realize that I am very blessed to have such a supportive sister. It breaks my heart to know that she doesn't know me any other way than "sick". I was in the car accident when Haley was 7 and since that time our family has dealt with my health in one way or another much of the time.

There have been times when she has rushed home from time with friends to take care of me. Haley always invites me to spend time with her friends when she goes out and she drives me to see my friends and waits somewhat patiently for me in the car until I am ready to come home.

I have not always treated Haley like I should. I put way too much pressure on her. I expected her to not only be my sister but I demanded her to be my best friend, my entertainer and my care giver. I think part of me felt like she was healthy and she owed me that much of herself.

I was wrong to do that. For a time, those demands strained our relationship.

Fortunately, with help, I saw that I was demanding things of Haley that were not fair. She was already giving more to me than she should have ever have to and she gave of herself willing.
Haley has showed me love in such a way that I cannot put into words. She has showed me how to give and how to love unconditionally.

]My sister is a nurse. I have no doubts in her ability. Her professors always gave her high marks for her treatment of her patients. She is an amazing person. I know that one day very soon she is going to touch so many lives by working as a pediatric nurse. Her kindness and gentleness is going to be a rock for families and their babies on days that they would like to forget.
I know she will do that for them because she is my rock everyday.

This amazing person is who God gave me as a sister and I am so blessed.

Project Life: Week 7

2011-02-22T09:00:00.001-06:00

What? It has been 7 weeks since I began Project Life? I don't think I will ever get used to time flying by so quickly. And I also can't believe that I am still taking photos each day -well almost each day.

This week, I don't know what happen but somewhere between the camera, the cord and the computer some of my photos were lost...? I don't know what happen but there are a couple of days that I just can't find. So, I am few days short this week.

Tuesday, February 15

These are my favorite markers ever. They are Zip markers that I got years and years ago. I remember getting a pretty good deal on Ebay. After all this time, they are still the perfect marker.

Wednesday, February 16

My Mom was going to be gone all day and we didn't want me up and roaming about the kitchen while I was alone. So, she fixed me some tomato soup for later. She fixed it all pretty in the basket for me. :)

Thursday, February 17

I have a new nurse and he came on Thursday instead of Tuesday. I had trouble with the IV site all day. I couldn't move my hand and it was really painful. I still had about half a bag of saline left when my hand got terribly painful and started to get puffy. I had to take the IV out but I still had a lot of fluid left...what was I going to do? Um, page nurse Haley of course! ha!

Haley was so nervous. She hasn't started an IV outside of educational environment. She did an really awesome job! No pain or mess! It was perfection! That is right, my sister is just magical and my 24/7 private duty nurse!

Friday, February 18

And what week would be complete without Holly. She is pouting because she can't go upstairs and play with Dad. He thinks that is just hilarious! (And I guess it kind of is!)

Happy Tuesday!

I am linking up Jessica's blog again today. Join us!

an answer in the dark

2011-02-21T08:08:00.001-06:00

Last week, I shared how alone I felt. How far away God felt. Mostly, I think I felt alone because I don't understand why God hasn't answered my desperate pleas for healing. I found myself saying, Well if God really is there and He really does love me, then He will heal me.

I knew that really wasn't true but that it what kept coming up in my prayers and in my heart. I felt betrayed somehow. I felt like God didn't care.

But fortunately, I was very, very wrong.

God heard my cries of confusion and loneliness and He spoke to me in a mighty way.

The same day that I posted my deep feelings of pain, my daily devotional focused on verses Matthew 7:9-11 & Luke 11:11-13.

If my earthly parents give me what I ask then how much more will my Heavenly Father give to me when I ask?

The final paragraph said this:

Would you be willing to stop pounding on heaven's door, to stop begging for God to give you what you believe is best and to open your hands to receive the good gifts your heavenly Father wants to give you?

In that moment, I just had to stop and praise God. My heart was pounding and my eyes had filled with the tears. He had heard me and now he was answering me!

For whatever reason, God is saying not right now to me. Right now is not the time for college, or a relationship or a family. Right now is not the time for a complete healing.
Right now is the time for me to seek the good gifts of God-whatever they may be and remember every day that His gifts are far better than I can ever know.

Now, I would love to say that this revelation of simple Godly wisdom would keep fears at bay and that my heart will always be content with God's plan but I know it isn't that simple for me. There will be times (more than I would like to admit to) that I know I will once again question God and his love for me.

But now, I have this moment. This moment of open communication between a Father and daughter and I can remind myself of how I felt in that precious moment and hopefully my heart will remember the peace of God's love too.

To know that God heard my cries for help and to know that He answered me is pretty overwhelming. I am just in awe of his power and of his love. I am in awe of His faithful love and unending compassion.

Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him. I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will cry out for me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble. I will deliver him and honor him.

Psalm 91:14-15

Friday's Frills

2011-02-18T19:17:00.000-06:00

Do y'all love balloons as much as me? I love huge bundles of latex balloons. I think they make any occasion child-like and fun!

Enjoy!

Have a great weekend friends!

Balloons at a wedding? Why not?!

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Love this!

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Dior apparently likes balloons too. I know this ad campaign is a little old but I still think it is perfect! It is just so girlie and dreamy!

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And NieNie knows how to do balloons justice! How great is the family photo?

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Don't these balloons just create something magical at Christmas?! When I saw this photo on NieNie's blog, I just gasped! Ohhhh!

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Martha Stewart stands behind the power of balloons too.

(This is my all time favorite color combo!)

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So pretty and fun!

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And finally my absolute favorite balloon photo! Because I love all thing miniature, this spoke to my heart! ha!

So precious, right?!

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I hope y'all had a great day! Grab a balloon this weekend. It will make you happy!

I promise.

a light in the dark

2011-02-16T17:44:00.000-06:00

I have been struggling lately. I wake up with knots in my stomach and go to bed with them still lingering. I begrudgingly accepted this illness. It is a daily battle of acceptance and fear. Is there a middle ground? Is there a place where my hope of being better and my dreams of the future can meet my current circumstance and make sense? Do I give up my dreams? Do I find new goals? Goals that seem obtainable. It is confusing. It is frustrating.

I want to return to college.

I want to graduate.

I want to marry.

I want a family.

So many days make me wonder if any of this possible.
Can I do any of these things? Can I ever leave home? Can I ever take care of myself? Honestly, I don't know. That scares me. The thought of living like this forever scares me.
Sometimes, I am afraid. I am so afraid that these precious prayers won't be answered. What if the things I want so badly are not going to possible for me.
How do I plan a future from bed?

I am afraid that God has other plans. I want to change His mind. I don't want His will if it doesn't include what I consider life. I want His plan to be my plan.

I try to remember God has my loving Father. That Christ suffered too and that He has great compassion but often I feel alone and isolated and I think of God as distant deity sitting on a cloud, far, far away. I wish I could say I feel Him right here, with each step but I don't feel Him. I call myself looking but I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed by God.

I feel alone in the dark without a light.

Right now my only light is hope. I am clinging to God's promises of hope and healing with all that is in me. I am clinging to His promises of faithful love and never ending compassion.
I feel alone but I know that I am not alone. My emotions are deceiving. His truth is forever.

Project Life: Week 6 + a few other things.

2011-02-15T13:57:00.000-06:00

Sunday, February 6
It is official. I am now a Gleek. I saw a marathon on the Oxygen channel and I was hooked. I love the character of Emma Pilsbury! She has the best clothes.

Monday, February 7
This is one reason why I have been feeling so poorly. The weather has been crazy here. Hot and Cold. Rainy and Dry. Snowy and Sunny. My body doesn't know what to do with itself!

Tuesday, February 8
These are the movies that I watched during the beginning of February. I watched one romantic movie a day until Valentine's Day. My favorites are Must Love Dogs and Return to Me. Do you have a favorite romantic movie?

Wednesday, February 9
It started snowing! We got about 2 inches. People still went to work the next day and we had electricity...maybe Alabama is moving up in the world! ha!

Thursday February 10
Can you see her little eyes peeking out at me? I love my little Holly. This is her, "Please, don't bother me right now", face!

Friday, February 11
I was really blue and Mom said I needed to get out of the house for a little while. We were going to TJ Maxx. I love that store!

Saturday, February 12
Holly was mad at me for something. (I can't remember what.) She didn't want to be close to me. She is pouting in my chair. Silly dog!

I am linking up at The Mom Creative today.

There are a couple of more things that I am going to include in today's post.

The first being that my friend Rachel nominated me for a blogger award last week. How sweet was that? She really is one of the sweetest people ever! You must go visit her blog!

Now, I need to thank the person who nominated me. Rachel, thanks so much for the award! You are so encouraging and wise. Your love for God and His word really is so powerful. Because of you, I learned about the Siesta Scripture Memory Team! I have always wanted to memorize scripture but I would quickly loose motivation. Being accountable has made such a difference. (And I also learned about baking potatoes in a crock pot from you! Who knew?!)

Now, I have to tell you 7 random things about myself.

I feel the (obsessive) need to eat small, individual things (like candy or cookies) in multiples of 3 or 5.
From about age 4 to age 6, I intentionally spelled my name wrong because I liked the letter A better than the letter E and therefore, I thought the letter A should come first in my name. So, my name was Haether Thomas for about 2 years. No red marker or sad face was going to convince me that E was anything other than a second-rate letter!
I think the library is the happiest place on earth.
I love shoes!
I love pretty pajamas! My favorites are by Carole Hochman and Karen Neuburger. And thanks to TJ Maxx, I can now afford them!
I am Psychology major at the University of AL. My hope is to get my Masters and then work with children with chronic or terminal illnesses. My minor is in Judaic Studies. (In case you were wondering!)
My favorite snack is a Triscut cracker with a slice of cheddar cheese and little bread & butter pickle on top.

And without further ado, here are the lovely ladies that I think deserve

The Stylish Blogger Award as well!

1. Kelli's blog is In My Life. She is a new blog friend. We became friends though our weekly Project Life posts. She is seriously so sweet and so funny! She has a really amazing scrapbooking room. I am so envious! ha! She also journals and creates beautiful watercolors during her quiet time. She is just the neatest person!

2. Rachel is my oldest friend. (Honestly, I have known her since I was a baby.) We went to church together as children and then our families changed churches. We lost touch but we ran into each other in Target a couple of years ago and now we keep in touch through Facebook and our blogs. She is pregnant with her first child, a boy that she and her husband are naming Barrett. I was supposed to go to her baby tea on Sunday but (shockingly!) I was too sick to go. I am hoping she posts some photos so I can see what I missed!

3. Kat has a really beautiful blog. It is called Secrets of a Butterfly and it is as dreamy as it sounds. We "met" a year or so ago, after she posted about a really great Etsy shop that I was a fan of. She too has a chronic illness and she is so encouraging and inspirational.

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And finally, today is the 15th which means it is time to choose my 4th bible verse for Siesta Memory Team. My verse is Job 16:19-21

Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.

I hope you all have a great Tuesday and if you read all that...you are a super friend! ha!

2011-02-14T13:08:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day !

A friend loves at all times
and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

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Friday's Frills

2011-02-11T07:40:00.000-06:00

I {heart} February. Love is in the air. There are so many awesome ways to tell someone that you love them! I mean I am good with the traditional hug and kiss but Valentine's Day gives us a reason to do that extra something special! Don't y'all think?

How crazy good are Ms. Martha's conversation heart cookies? So cute!! I think the precious presentation in the bags with the stitching makes them even more special!

Here is the recipe, if you are interested.

I love banners. I think they are so sweet and can be personalized so easily to make any party or celebration special. When I saw this little mini-banner in Mrs. Kwitty's Cottage shop on Etsy, I just about went crazy! How cute and so sweet. You think you are opening a normal Valentine's card but instead you pull out a this beautiful banner that you can put anywhere, anytime! Seriously, so cute. I love it to pieces!

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As cold as it has been in most parts of the US (even here in the South!) we could all use these darling fingerless gloves. These were another Etsy find at Quid Essential. They are just so sweet and cozy!

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And in a another Valentine's direction, look at these absolutely, perfectly sweet Valentine straws that Olivia Kanaley, from A Field Journal created. I can just imagine drinking some Lorina pink lemonade with them!

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And finally, my favorite way to toast Valentine's day, would be to drink a up of tea in these gorgeous & festive tea cups I saw them in the latest O Magazine. They are so precious and totally out of my price range but they melt my little tea cup lovin' heart! They can be purchased here.

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i {heart} you all my sweet friends!

happy Friday everyone!

2011-02-07T11:17:00.000-06:00

Where have the days gone? Time goes by so fast. Too fast sometimes. I am still feeling pretty crummy but my sleep seems to be back on track (YES!) and I ate supper at the table last night which is such a huge deal for me when I am feeling bad! That is two major improvements in just a few days. I am very happy about that.

I am kind of bummed because I only took 1 photo last week for Project Life. I am not beating myself up though because I just have to take things as they come. Hopefully, I will do better this week.

I have been listening to this song a lot. It really speaks to me.

Are there songs that you like to listen to when you are feeling down in the dumps? I would love to know what they are!

Sustain Me

2011-02-02T10:00:00.000-06:00

"Cast your burdens on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 55:22

Among other things, sustain means to to keep a person, their mind, spirits, etc., from giving way, as under trial or affliction. God promises to sustain me. He promises to hold me tight and not let me become lost in my afflictions. He promises that I will never fall. I am reminding myself of this, every single minute.

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The last two weeks have been very hard ones. I haven't been able to do very much at all. I feel like I am spending more and more of my time in bed, with the shades drawn and with little noise because I am so sensitive to the stimulation. I am having a hard time eating and swallowing food and drinks. I am choking on most anything that I try to swallow. And to add insult to injury, my insomnia is raging. And not sleeping makes everything worse. I am only getting a few hours of sleep during the day because for some reason my mind refuses to settle and allow me to have a restful night's sleep.

I am trying hard -very hard- to remain positive. I feel so bad and I am so tired, it is hard to do some days. I know these days will pass but in the meantime, I am trying to get through each hour. I say to myself, just breathe.

My spirit is seems battered right now and tears come so easily. I am very sad.

I am not able to be on the computer very much right now. It is difficult to find the energy and thought to try and post and visit you all. I know it sounds strange to say that being online is an effort but thank you all for being so supportive.

I hope to *see* you all very soon!

Project Life Week 4

2011-02-01T11:35:00.007-06:00

I cannot believe this is the 4th week of Project Life! And what really rocks my world is that I have actually managed to take a photo each day. So, here is a look at Week 4.

Sunday, January 23

This is Holly's toy box. It is an old hatbox that I decided would be a cute place to keep all of her toys. Her favorite toy is her sock monkey. And despite how sweet, fluffy and precious my sweet Holly is, the girl has it out for her toys! Seriously. No toys last more than a few weeks. I have been waiting for her cute sock monkey to bite the dust. And as luck would have it, the very next day, I found pieces of Mr. Sock Monkey all over my bedroom.

Monday, January 24

Holly's dog food has been discontinued. So, I had to find her a new brand. I was worried that she wouldn't like the new food. Well, apparently she hated the old food! I mix the two foods together so that the transition would be a little more gentle on her stomach. Big mistake! Her food is everywhere because she meticulously picks out and eats the new food and leaves the rest for me to clean up...again, again & again.

Tuesday, January 25

Oh, the bad day. Not much more to say about Tuesday, except how good that ice cream was!

Wendesday, January 26
I don't mind picking up her food when she waits for me on the edge of my bed like this. When I get up, Holly always comes and gets in my spot and waits for me. I think it is so sweet. I am totally in love my girl.

Thursday, January 27
I have been feeling pretty bad the last week or so and fainting last Tuesday didn't help things but I try to look on the bright side. Like, when I am too sick to eat at the table, I get to eat in bed and my Mom fixes me yummy things to eat. Things like a roast beef, provolone cheese & onion panini. (She fixes me yummy things to eat on other days too, btw!)

Friday, January 28
I have just recently discovered the television show, Brothers & Sisters thanks to Netflix. I watched the first four seasons last week. Where have I been? I love this show. I am such a nerd. I have only watched one television show from start to finish. I usually, A) don't learn about the show until much later into its run or B) quit watching the show before it ends because I get bored with it. I am a strange girl.
PS: How messy can my bedside table get?!

Saturday, January 29
I have been on an orange kick lately. These oranges are so good. They are perfectly juicy and remind me of summer. I will admit that I do eat two at a time because they are so good. One just isn't enough.

As always, I am linking up at Jessica's blog today. Happy Project Life Tuesday everyone!

Friday's Frills

2011-01-28T05:39:00.000-06:00

Today's frills are all about beautiful areas to create beautiful things in. My parents are turning a section of the basement into a scrapbook workspace for me! I am so excited! I have been on the search for pretty work spaces and inspiring ideas. These are just a few finds that have made their way into my favorites folder!

I just love the bright, happy colors in this! I like the idea of having a small lamp handy for small projects too. I hadn't really thought about it until I saw this picture.

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I loved the idea of using twine & clothespins to display finished projects or inspiring pieces. It adds a little something more than just a bulletin board & push pins. Don't you think?

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I love these mason jars mounted to the wall. I have so many little odds and ends that I could put in them.

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Of course Pottery Barn can do a craft room up so good!

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And I love these next two photos. I love all the color, the shelves and labeled boxes. I have to have a spot for everything; otherwise, I just throw my things anywhere when I get done and that really doesn't work well.

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And I know Martha uses chalkboard paint on the wall here but I am thinking I want to use it on the cabinets that my Dad is putting in for me!

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Well, guys & gals, that is where my mind is at these days. I am making all sorts of plans for this workspace. I will definitely keep y'all updated.
Do any of you have a workspace for your hobbies? I would love to see them, if you have photos posted, please let me know! And if you have any ideas, I would love to hear them!

Have a great weekend, friends!

Bad day & Ice Cream

2011-01-26T05:44:00.001-06:00

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

I started feeling bad while I was in the exam room waiting for the doctor to come in. I thought to myself, how horrible would it be if I just fainted on this table. I would certainly hurt myself and with the lovely hospital smock on, everyone would surely see my blue granny panties.
*Note to self...always, always wear white undies. No matter what the situation.*

I was getting dizzy and my ears were ringing. Nausea just came in waves. My heart was racing. Oh, my gosh. I cannot do this now.

Well, thankfully I didn't. The doctor came and went. I was fine. I still felt bad but I didn't faint. I didn't fall off the exam table and no one saw my blue granny panties. I was totally going to be fine.

And then...

I went to check out and schedule some tests. My Mom, chairs and my walker were just on the other side of the door. "Just hang on", I told myself. I was going to be able to sit down in just second.
I know I made it to the receptionist's desk.
I know I gave her my paperwork.

Next, I opened my eyes and I was on the floor with 8 faces staring down at me.
Between steps 2 & 3...it's a little fuzzy.

My purse was strewn across the floor and I only had on one shoe.
Yeah, I have seen better days.

Everyone was so nice. One of the doctors even fed me ice chips, while my doctor elevated my legs to get the blood back to my heart and brain. So nice. Everyone was so sweet. I was so embarrassed but they were so kind. I have a love/hate relationship with doctors.
This group restored my faith in doctors and their nurses. Honestly.

So, I am in bed. Where else? Holly and I are watching Brothers & Sisters on Netflix and I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.

But just in case it isn't, I treated myself to a cup of chocolate ice cream and some crumbled Reese Cups for extra measure.

Project Life Week 3

2011-01-25T00:49:00.001-06:00

Sunday, January 16

Okay, I know I am going to sound strange but I think Deer Park water taste "funny." I don't know why. It's water! What tastes funny about water? But this water does. So I add my favorite package of Lipton instant tea, Mandarin & Mango. It is so yummy!

Monday, January 17

I have this note on my bookcase that is across from my bed. My Mom put this note in my lunchbox the day after I made the cheerleading squad in the 8th grade. It is from 1997. I didn't even know that I still had it but I found it in a keepsake box a few months ago. It makes me happy to look at it, so I decided to keep it out and I can look at it all the time.

Tuesday, January 18

Tuesday is officially "Carrie comes today." Carrie is my home health care nurse that comes once a week and begins my IV infusions. I usually use a little pump that is in a fanny pack (you can laugh, it is funny looking!) and it takes about 10 hours to finish my fluids but last week we decided to try the bag with just gravity. It was faster but I was scared to move because it was so sensitive. I think I will go back to the pump this week. Even after all these months, it is strange to have an IV pump beside my bed. I just haven't gotten used to it. But I would rather be at home with an IV than at a hospital ANY DAY!

Wednesday, January 19

Holly likes to curl up right beside me when it is really cold outside. But she also doesn't like for me to put my arm on her. So she squirms around until she is on her back and then tries to kick my arm off of her. It makes me laugh so hard! I don't let her have her way with this one though. I would like to be comfortable too! So, my arm will just be in her way.

Thursday, January 20

I had a couple of letters to write myself this week! My address book is Rachel Ashwell for Target and my In Touch clutch is from an Etsy store, downstairs Designs. I wish that the post office had pretty international stamps. So, Mr. Post Master General, just in case you read this, please create a pretty international stamp. Thank you! :)

Friday, January 21

Oh my gosh! I had the best day! It was soooo much fun! Mom and I ran some errands, had lunch and went to the movies! Oh, I just can't tell you how fun it was! Well, actually I told you already! I love the Target accessories department. They have great stuff, don't they?!
I also love my sweet Mama! I know we all think our moms are the best but mine really is! :) {I am not biased in the slightest!}

Saturday, January 22

Yeah, photos were not happening today. I didn't get out of bed...at all. I am not sure that I even rolled over! I didn't mind it though because Friday was so fantastic! Really fantastic! I knew that I would be sick on Saturday but Holly kept me company, I listened to my iPod because I had new songs from the Country Strong Soundtrack and thought about how fun Friday was. Saturday's photo is a screen shot from my iPod. It is my old blog design. I wanted to take a picture because I didn't want to forget how cute it was. A big thanks to the ladies at Smitten Blog Designs for working with me and creating my new blog look!

Have a great week everyone! Thanks for coming to visit me!
I will be linking up at Jessica's blog for Project Life Tuesday. :)

My own Friday's Frills!

2011-01-24T03:00:00.000-06:00

I had my very own fun filled, live action Friday's Frills, this past Friday. It was so much fun! I have wanted to get out of the house with a big-o list of things to do and just paint the town red. I totally got to do that! And I took a bazillion photos just for extra fun. :)

Out of all my cute notepads & pretty post its...I just grabbed a Netflix envelope and wrote my list on it. It worked though. I would also like to add that I was able to get everything on the list except shampoo. That never happens!

Our first stop was at Petco and then we headed to Target. Target just puts me in a good mood. Don't y'all love Target too?

Mom getting some storage tubs for her China.

Me, trying on a headband that I ending up buying and wearing the rest of the day.

The cashier was not amused by my photo taking at the check out. I tried to explain that I had a blog and I needed my Friday photos for Project Life but she was like, "Hey crazy girl, get on with it." Oh well.

Next was lunch & dessert at our favorite bakery, Edgar's. I got a fried green tomato BLT. Yeah, it is so good. And we got cupcakes.

We went to Belk's. They were having a massive shoe sale but I sadly didn't find any that I liked. There were some really unattractive shoes at this sale. I can't leave out that before we left, I managed to knock over a rack of sweaters with the wheelchair. Slightly embarrassing, I will say. Fortunately, no one was around and Mom quickly cleaned up my mess and we were on our way!

And lastly, we went to the movies. I have been wanting to see Country Strong. I know the reviews haven't been that great but we loved it! It was so good. I promptly came home and downloaded a couple of the songs on my iPod.

Our last photo of the day. We are in front of the theater. It was freezing and this photo was taken in hurry!

It was such a fun day, y'all. I am so thankful that I felt like going out. I hope I can do it again sooner rather than later! :)

Friday's Frills

2011-01-21T10:22:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday. I hope these photos start your weekend off on a high note.

So, there are two things that are on my top 5 , all-time favorite things; one is flowers and the other is teacups. And when you combine the two...well, I am just in heaven!

Enjoy this week's edition of

Friday's Frills!

So beautiful, right?! You cannot go wrong with this beautiful shade of pink and the oh-so perfect Anthropologie teacup, which they seem to have perfected.

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So lovely and simple. One single bloom-big or small makes a statement too.

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I am starting to sound like a broken record but how beautiful is this creation? Add books to the mix and then you have really created a fantastic feast for the eyes!

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And what can be better than a teacup and flowers? Yes, that is right, when you have more teacups and more flowers! Grouping similar items always makes a big statement.

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Don't overlook those teacups sitting in your cupboard this spring when you have some pretty flowers! They make beautiful alternatives to your everyday vase.

Compassion

2011-01-20T22:20:00.002-06:00

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Well, I finally finished writing a somewhat detailed description of what Dysautonomia is and how it affects me. You can read about it here. I have permanent link on my left sidebar. Just click the, "What is Dysautonomia?" button.

You all, my dear friends have always been so compassionate and understanding. You have taken me at my word and never questioned me when I come here and describe a new, confusing symptom that I don't understand. Your kindness and love really does make such a difference in my life. It means so much to know that you care.

Compassion comes from the Latin word, meaning co-suffering. To have compassion is to suffer together. To have compassion is to love. It is considered one of the most sacred virtues of humanity.

To have compassion is to love. To love like Christ loved. To suffer together as Christ suffered.

And where He suffered and His blood fell, we are healed by His stripes (Isaiah 53:5).
That is what your love and your compassion reminds me.

You remind me that He cares.

Isaiah 54:10

"Though the mountains may shake and the hills disappear, my unfailing love will never disappear, nor my promises of my peace," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

(This is my 2nd verse to memorize for the Siesta Scripture Memory Team.)

Project Life: Week 2

2011-01-18T14:21:00.002-06:00

The 2nd week of my Project Life.

January 9

Oh, that Snow Storm was just awful...please note the sarcasm! Other parts of the state got snow. We just had a little dusting of ice.

January 10

See all those little dots on my iTouch calender? I look like a super-cool, busy girl! Yeah, I'm not! Those are reminders for television shows that I want to see. I am such a nerd! (And the one show I really wanted to see last week, Off the Map (because I love Zach Gilford) I felt asleep and missed it!
But I did learn how to take screen shots with my iTouch and that does makes me feel super-cool!

January 11

Bad Day. I had a horrible migraine. I don't know what I would do without Relpax. It is better than sliced bread!

January 12

Holly asleep while I amuse myself online. My parents gave me this super cute Vera Bradley laptop case in Buttercup. I love it.

January 13

This is my favorite picture of me and my sister, Haley. She has been really busy lately and I feel like I haven't seen her in a while! This picture is so old!

January 14

Tori's pageant was on Friday and I am happy to report that I was able to attend! I had her Mom email me this photo because I didn't get to take a photo with her at the pageant while she was still in her dress. I was so disappointed!

She did a great job and we all yelled so loud for her! She looked absolutely beautiful! She even said she might do it again next year!

January 15

Mom and I ate P.F. Chang's and watched the Miss America pageant. I loved Miss Nebraska from the start. I am so glad she won! I can't believe she is only 17. She carried herself very well. Mom's favorite was Miss Arkansas, so we had a fun rivalry during the pageant.

My fortune cookie said "Happiness is on its way."

Thanks for stopping by y'all. I know I have such a crazy life that you just cant keep up! ha!

Have a great week and if you want to link up with your Project Life just click the button below.

Fighting and Accepting

2011-01-17T12:34:00.000-06:00

You fight the takeover of an illness. You don't want to give in. If you give in, then you loose not only yourself but you loose the battle. You can't give in. You have to fight the fight. It is an exhausting fight. You can't fight it alone. You have to have a battalion at your side, ready with swords and spears. Ready to fight to the very end.

The beginning of my diagnosis was at first, a battle of wills. Only one of us, was going to walk out intact. I thought that I would walk away. Perhaps, I would be battered and bruised but I would walk away and into the future. Even the best of generals and fighting men have plans that go awry. And so I fought but I lost. I can say that now. I lost that fight.

I lost moments. I lost friends. I lost myself.

I remember when I decided to change the battle plan. It was the summer of 2007. Oh, a beautiful summer it was. I felt better that summer. The enemy retreated and I took that opportunity to boldly march forward. I had moment of clarity. I had to change my battle plan. I had been fighting the wrong battle the entire time. Instead of learning to live with my illness, I was trying to force in into retreat. It wasn't going away. Ever.

I had to learn to live and thrive with this unwanted enemy.

I had to learn to find new moments, new friends and a new self and I would have to learn to take Dysautonomia along with me.

I couldn't let the enemy win a moment longer.

It was easier to make that decision when I was less symptomatic. It was easier to push on and move forward when I was actually physically able to do so. I am so thankful for that moment. The moment when I decided that I wasn't broken. I was just a different version of myself and that was okay.

It was okay to say, "Hey, I am different. I have to live differently. I have to think differently."

That school of though didn't mean that I was giving in or giving up. Far from it. That was acceptance.

That was learning to live this new life.

Now, that is not to say that it is easy. No. This is the most difficult journey. I still have moments when I think, "Gah, what a loser!"

But learning that acceptance wasn't giving up-that living side by side with the enemy was okay, changed the way I live.

Some days I thrive. Some days, I barely get by. But that is okay too.

I am okay. I am going to be okay.

Friday's Frills

2011-01-14T13:47:00.001-06:00

Hello Friends

Okay, so I absolutely love blogs like Secrets of a Butterfly, Hooray, Oh, Hello Friend & Fee-Amore (just to name a few!) that showcase beautiful images and inspirations for their readers.

Now, I obviously do not have that style blog but I find so many pretty things online and sometimes I just want to say, "Hey! Look what I found!"

So, I think that on Fridays I will show you guys a few pretty things that I have found during the week.

Without further a ado, here is the first edition of

Friday's Frills.

Enjoy!

Today, we are going to look at beautiful stationary and letter writing inspiration. Because I think letter writing is a lost art form. These photos definitely make me want to find a pen and paper.

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What about if your received a beautiful stationary kit, like Dandee created?

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These photos of her kit make my heart go pitter-patter.

And if I learned anything from Ali's shop. It is that airmail envelopes, baker's twine and glassine make letter writing, oh so wonderful!

Don't you agree?!

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I actually own this! It was a birthday gift from my aunt & uncle last year. I love it! It holds everything you need to send a letter or quick note. I highly recommend the In Touch Clutch!

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Have a great weekend you guys! I hope you now feel inspired to write a letter soon!

a jumble of thoughts.

2011-01-13T08:33:00.000-06:00

I snapped this picture of Holly the other night. She was dead to the world. I usually can't roll over without her waking up and checking things out. I love it when she sleeps so peacefully.

And I have never, ever found her peaceful sleeping so scrumptious that I picked her up and squeezed her to pieces. That would make me a terrible Mama and I have just never done that y'all.

I am trying super hard to stay relaxed today and rest up because tomorrow is going to be an exciting night (for me anyway!)

My cousin Tori is going to be in her first beauty pageant and I am so happy. I love going to pageants and I haven't been to one in years and years. And I refuse to miss it! I have been giving my body the right act all week. I don't know if it has listened.

Miss America also comes on this weekend. So I am in serious pageant heaven!

I was obsessed with Miss America when I was in ~~junior~~ high school. I was always looking in the mirror, practicing my walk and introducing myself as I would if I had been competing in the Miss America pageant. Feel free to laugh or cringe...

That is me on the far right. I was always in our high school pageants. This was my favorite dress ever and I had the most fun that night. It feels like it was a 100 years ago. It was 1998 and I was 15. I had just gotten out the hospital a few days before this pageant and I had been treated with steroids. We were so worried that I wasn't going to fit into my dress but I did! I was 4th runner and Miss Congeniality that year. So fun!

And last but certainly not least, I have decided to participate in Beth Moore's 2011 Siesta Scripture Memory Team. I found out about it through my friend Rachel's blog. I was a little late choosing my verse but I think I have it memorized! (Which is a good thing because I only have 2 more days until I choose a new one to memorize!)

Here is my first verse that I have chosen to learn:

Psalms 91:14-15
“Because he love me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

Happy Weekend everyone!

miracles in a day

2011-01-11T11:27:00.000-06:00

God's controlled energy flowing through me makes it possible to cope. That is God's power too.

-Joni Eareckson Tada

Someone gave me one of Joni's books several years ago and it was so powerful. I don't think you can read Joni's story and not be moved by her testimony for Jesus.

If I read a book and just one line speaks to me, then it is well worth its read! Don't you agree?! When I read the sentence above, my heart just started pounding. I went back and read it again and again. I put the book down and just let those words sink in.

The ability to cope is a miracle! The ability to have hope is a miracle!

I had never thought about it quite like that before. God performs a miracle each moment in my life that I can be hopeful. When I realized that, I had an intense moment with God. I was so grateful and I felt so close to Him.

I have faith that at any moment I can be healed. I know that God has the ability and the power. I also know that God has a great plan (as cliche as it may sound). A plan that I may never know or understand. I know that God works in completely unexpected ways and I do not have to be physically whole for Him to work those miracles. It is a miracle that I have hope.

I am a hopeful, optimistic person. It is something that I thank God for all the time. My hope is no reflection of myself but rather a testament to the power of the Holy Spirit alive in my heart. I easily forget the power that God demonstrates in my life. It is easy to allow myself to overlook His blessings when brushing my teeth is my goal for the day. But I am humbly reminded throughout the day and I am thankful that He wants to take the time to fill me with hope and sustain me for another day.

Project Life: Week 1

2011-01-10T19:25:00.006-06:00

I decided to participate in Project Life this year. I am super excited. I didn't find out about this until the middle of last year. So, hopefully, I will stick to it. Here is my first week of photos. You can check out Becky Higgins's website to learn more. I am linking up with Jessica Turner's blog for Project Life Tuesday. I am a day early!

January 1

My first photo of the new year. Yes, I partied so hard on New Year's Eve! ha!

January 2
One of my Christmas gifts was the complete Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman series.
I have basically been watching it 24/7.

January 3
Holly had a bath! Yay! (Thanks Dad!)

January 4
Tuesday is when my nurse comes and I get my IV saline.

January 5
It was a bad day. This pretty much sums up my day.

January 6

My Anthropologie catalogue came. It was all about shoes & purses! The catalogue was so beautiful! But what Anthropolige catalogue, isn't?! This was my favorite page!

January 7
Today was a total bummer. I had planned all week to go run some errands with Mom. It was nothing major but I was super excited to get out of the house. I woke up so sick on Friday and couldn't go. I had picked out my clothes the night before, got my purse ready and everything and then I felt like poo. I was pretty disappointed.

January 8
Me & Holly before bed. I love her to pieces!

I hope y'all have a great week.

PS: That snow storm was really a let down in our area. No snow. Just ice. But we did keep our electricity! So, I am not complaining!

The South and Snow

2011-01-08T20:49:00.000-06:00

The South and snow is such a love-hate relationship. We love snow because we never get to see it. Here in Alabama a snowfall is as mystical as unicorns and pots of gold at the end of a rainbows.

And when it finally does snow-a whole inch- we close roads, schools, businesses and we are without power for days at a time. ah! But we do get to eat snowcream and build snowmen. So, you just have to take it has it comes!

Snow and/or ice is headed our way. Bread and milk were gone by Thursday in these parts. My mom has cooked us some yummy soups and we are ready to spend some quality time by the fireplace for the next couple of days! (Hopefully the electricity will be on during the quality time.)

Christmas Day 2010 Snow

Happy Snowday! Wherever you are!

Today.Yesterday.Tomorrow.

2011-01-05T07:18:00.000-06:00

"Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before."

Daniel 6:10

I love this verse. I am not going to say it has been floating around in my mind for awhile but I just kind of stumbled across it and it kind of stuck with me. God is the same-in times of joy and times of deep sorrow. He is the same. It is me-through my situations-that changes. Sometimes, allowing my heart to hardened towards Him because I am angry and hurt. But throughout the bible we are told to give thanks in every circumstance.

I have been struggling so deeply with where I am at in my life. I find myself trying desperately to bargain my way into a new existence. I catch my mind dwelling on past moments of happiness and I can feel my throat close and my eyes burn with tears.

I thanked God for those happy days.
a beach trip to Seaside with Kim and Kristen.
New Orleans visits.
A trip to Pennsylvania.
School.
School.
Driving.
Another beach trip with friends.
School.

Those were beautiful days. Days of splendor. And those days can be haunting at times; ghosts that lurk and taunt me with what I know life could be like. But mostly those days serve as truly joyous reminders of God's overflowing love and His power to make all things new again.

So, during these dark days that seem to mount and take my breath and my sanity, I am trying very hard to remember to give thanks every day. No matter what kind of day it is.

Because God is the same today as He was yesterday.

And I hope that I can be like Daniel and get down on my knees and pray, give thanks to my God, just as I did before.

What the night knows...

2011-01-03T00:33:00.000-06:00

The night sky holds my soul's secrets.

I see the moon and the stars' reflection and I am reminded that we serve a mighty God. A Creator; a purposeful inventor.

During the day, when I am so sick and all I want to do is sleep, the night sky cannot come fast enough. Sleep it seems is the only place that I can find relief. Yet, when all earth begins to close their eyes, I fight it, because, I do not want another day to pass. I don't want another sunrise to awaken this monster inside of me.

I am such a complicated person.

And when I see the moon and the stars, the adrenaline rushes and fills my chest, I cannot help but cry out to God. It is if I have come to the most holy of sanctuaries, His sanctuary. And it is there in the darkness and the stillness that God beckons me. He beckons my fears, my worries, my doubts and my pain. He lets me be angry and he lets me cry. I can tell Him how bad this is and how sad I am. He believes me and he cries with me.

And the night sky hovers over this conversation said between Father and child and it holds all my soul's secrets.

"Words are merely utterances: noises that stand for feelings, thoughts, and experience. They are symbols. Signs. Insignias. They are not Truth. They are not the real thing."

Neal Donald Walsch

photo from here